10 Conversations in Our Home Today that Ended with “You’re Stupid”

Are you seriously not up yet?
Dad, it’s still dark out.
Yep.
So it’s night still.
No, it’s morning. Time to get up.
How can it be morning if it’s still night outside?
Same reason as yesterday.
But I don’t remember yesterday.
Because it’s winter. This is what it’s like in winter. It’s cold and dark.
Why? Is it too cold for the sun to come out?
Nothing’s too cold for the sun. Get up.
Then why isn’t the sun up?
Because we set the clocks an hour back.
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!
Everyone did. It’s daylight—
I hate you.
…Just get up.
You’re stupid.

– – – –

Come on. You need to put underwear on.
I DO have on underwear.
Oh, really?
Uh huh.
You’re looking pretty naked to me.
You can’t see them. They’re invisible.
No way.
Uh huh.
That’s awesome. Hey, how can you tell they’re not on backwards?
‘Cause I’m not stupid. You are. You’re stupid.

– – – –

Honey? Can you come here?
…What’s up, babe?
I thought you said we were out of butter.
We are.
Then what’s this?
…Where was that?
In the fridge.
No. I looked in the fridge.
And yet, here it is.
Well, it wasn’t there when I looked.
Really.
Yeah.

What?
Do you think it’s because you’re a man, or is it because you’re stupid?

– – – –

What do you want for lunch, kiddo?
Pancakes.
Oh, there’s that Mickey Mouse pancake from breakfast in the fridge—
No! I’m saving it.
For what?
My birthday.
But your birthday’s 8 months away. It won’t last till then.
Yes, it will.
No, really. It won’t. It’ll go bad.
No. It’s wrapped.
Yeah, but—
You’re stupid.

– – – –

Hey Dad. Guess what?
Um, chicken butt?
…You’re stupid.

– – – –

You ever think we stopped breastfeeding too early?
…We?
You?
Me?
Yeah.
Wow. You are stupid.

– – – –

But I don’t want a hat. I don’t need it.
Yes, you do. It’s cold today.
How do YOU know?
Because I read stuff. I looked at the thermometer and it told me it’s cold today.
It said it was cold?
No, it said it was 10 degrees, which means really cold.
How do YOU know?
Because I know. I know cold. I’ve been doing this a long time.
No, you aren’t.
Wha—Look, I’m 44. This is my 44th winter. I’m a winter professional.
No, you’re not. You’re stupid.

– – – –

It’s a whore knock life for us, it’s a—wait, Daddy, what’s a “whore knock”?
It’s actually “hard knock,” kiddo.
No, it’s not. It’s “whore knock.”
[Laughter.]
You’re stupid.

– – – –

Hey.

Babe? You up?
Mmm.
You smell good.

I’m just saying…hel-lo.
…Mm—Ahg! What are you doing?
What?
Are you really waking me up right now?
No. Well, yes, but—
What the hell? You don’t do that. What’s wrong with you?
I thought that you—
No. Wrong. Don’t think. You’re stupid when you think.

– – – –

Meow.

Meow. Meow.
Goddamn it, what?
Meow.
I just fed you. Your bowl’s full.
Meow.
Fuck you. Okay, I’ll just pick up your bowl—
Meow. Meow.
—and put it back down and you think it’s new because you have a tiny acorn brain.

Yep. Eat it up, fatty. God, you’re stupid.

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