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The RAZED Archives

Erotic Valentine’s Day Gifts for Moms

By Kimberly Harrington

The Last Days of Marriage Told in Conversation Hearts

By Eric Olsen

RE: re: re: RE: quick note on sleeping arrangements for Christmas

By Kate Tellers

Krampus, the Kristmas Demon, is Coming to Town!

By Jenn Knott

Children’s FAQs: A Guide to Maintaining the Magical Deceit of Christmas

By Kristen Mulrooney

This Christmas, Let’s Agree We’re All to Blame for My Affair with the Nanny

By Simon Pinkerton

Back-to-School Shopping List for My 38-Year-Old Husband Who Is Following His Dreams, Also Our Baby Is 5 Months Old

By Mary Adkins

Updated Definitions of Insanity

By Kimberly Harrington

Back to School Means Back to Spirit Week!

By Janine Annett

Blink Twice if You’re Filling Out This Pre-K Information Sheet Under Duress

By Ted Fox

The Week Before School Starts: A Select Search History

By Erin Middlewood

I Need Help Reintegrating Into Adult Society After Spending Summer With My Kids

By Judd Cribbs

Back-to-School Tips for the Digital Dystopia from the Folks Who Brought It to You

By David L. Updike

Fingerbang Creek and Other Highlights of Visiting Day at Camp Kotowa

By Casey Rand

Their Lack of Obedience is Disturbing: Darth Vader’s Parenting Diary

By Jenn Knott

Ask Yourself: What Summer Camp Should I Send My Kid To?

By Sloan Schang

Hiding from My Kids in the Bathroom and Scrolling Through Instagram While the Rest of the World Summers Like It’s Their Fucking Job

By Eric Olsen

Summer Graphic Tees for Okay Moms

By Emily Schleiger

Transcript of a Press Conference Announcing Unilateral Sanctions Against the Ice Cream Truck

By Ted Fox

Sestina for the Camp Wojciehowicz Lost and Found

By E. R. Catalano

Amazing! These Moms Kept Their Cool Running Errands!

By Lauren Morris

You Don’t Need a Push Present, Honey—You’ve Got a Brand New Baby!

By Matthew David Brozik

Welcome To Riley’s Third Birthday Party and First Aid Boot Camp!

By Jeremy Blachman

Crazy-Easy Employment Is Just a Click Away at SittersForKiddos.com!

By Sarah Small

An Honest Back-To-School Letter from Your Child’s New Teacher

By Kimberly Harrington

19 Things to Do When Your 19-Year-Old Is Apparently Living at Home Forever

By Emer Feeney

Summer Movie Sequels Starring My Kids

By Maya Sinha

The Debbie Miller Homeschool For Family-Centered Learning End-Of-Year Exam

By Claire Cooper

A Kids’ Birthday Party Screening Questionnaire for Introverts

By Julie Vick

Top Complaints from the Birdwell Island Home Owners’ Association Regarding the Big Red Dog Residing at 18 Morning Glory Lane

By E. R. Catalano

A Letter from My Editor Regarding the Unexpectedly Truthful Nature of My Parenting-Guide Manuscript 

By Doug Bratton

The Likely Conversation Between the Two Men Who Broke Into Our Minivan Last Night

By Eric Olsen

Baby’s First Raiders Game

By Nick Logsdon

Welcome to Another Episode of How Toddlers Think

By David Nilsen

Important Updates Re: Bryson’s 5th Birthday Party

By Ali Solomon

An Open Letter to the Attendees of My Daughter’s Birthday Party, Written After Drinking Eight Beers

By Richard Black

Transcript, Episode 6, Season 666 of Dora the Explorer:  “Dora Visits the Underworld”

By E. R. Catalano

The Ten Commandments for Jesus After Moving Back Into His Dad’s House

By Eric Olsen

New York Times Sunday Routine: Zach Jenkins, Four Years Old

By Jamie Allen

From the Dr. Seuss Tesla Model S Owner’s Guide: Rear-Facing Child Seats

By Dave Petraglia

The Parent Teacher Organization Is Sorry You Were Offended By the Magic Show

By Marcy Campbell

Volunteer Mom Personas that Can Lead to Unpaid Self-Actualization According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

By Emily Schleiger

Welcome to the Child Retention Centre!

By Andrew Knott

Every Children’s Animated Movie Pitch Meeting

By Andrew Martin

Let’s Take a Fun Family Trip to the Impound Lot!

By Nicholas Cialdini

If Sara’s Favorite Cartoon Characters Attended Her Fourth Birthday Party

By Ali Solomon

I’ve Edited a Website for 12 Months so I’m Pretty Sure I Know What It’s Like to Have a One-Year-Old

By Kimberly Harrington

1YO Magazine: The Only Periodical by One-year-olds for One-year-olds

By Sarah Hutto

And the Cradle Will Rock: A Father’s Day Playlist for My One-Year-Old Scream Queen

By Eric Olsen

Ask Yourself: What Theme Should I Choose for My One-Year-Old’s Birthday Party?

By Sloan Schang

Expectations for a One-Year-Old in 2016 vs. 1846

By Simon Pinkerton

Don’t Miss Our PTO Fundraiser: MOM FIGHT CLUB!

By Vanessa Violette

Our Son Saw Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice and Now We’re Starting to Worry About Him

By Andrew Martin

An Open Letter to the Adorable Young Couple Leisurely Strolling By As I Frantically Usher My Children into My RAV4

By Angela Cardinale

How About You Do Sex to Me for Mother’s Day

By Sarah Hutto

Surprising and Horrible Ways to Tell Him You’re Pregnant!

By Simon Pinkerton

Status Update: A Report From the Front Lines

By Richard Black

10 Conversations in Our Home Today that Ended with “You’re Stupid”

By Eric Olsen

Nursery Rhymes I Now Sing to My Kids Thanks to This Stupid Election

By Kimberly Harrington

Updated CDC Recommendations for Baby Ovens

By Sarah Hutto

The Forbes 3 Under 3

By Jon Auerbach

Radiohead Song or Accurate Description of My Parenting?

By Kimberly Harrington

I’m About to Destroy My Kid at Hungry, Hungry Hippos

By Andrew Knott

Snip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah: A Vasectomy Playlist

By Eric Olsen

How to Dress Your 3-Year-Old in 39 Easy Steps

By Emily Blistein

A Petition for Coitus: Burns vs. Burns

By Sarah Hutto

Yes, I Will Bring My Kids to Your Child’s Party, and I Will Also Bring My Asshole A-Game

By Simon Pinkerton

PRO/CON: Letting My Kid Finish His Meal After Vomiting in This Restaurant

By Kara Lochridge

To the Parent Standing Next to Me at the Slide Not Paying Attention

By Jon Auerbach

I’m Your New School Bus Driver, Jeremy Irons

By Kimberly Harrington

Yelp Reviews of My Four-Year-Old’s Restaurant

By Andrew Knott

Welcome to Our Year of Radical Honesty

By C.G. Garcia

Feedback on ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas from Our Copyeditor

By Darren Higgins

RECALL ALERT: All Things Previously Thought Safe For Babies, Actually Lethal

By Sarah Hutto

Doc McStuffins Toy Malady or Old-Timey Slang for Venereal Disease?

By Brooke Preston

Things I’ll Be Saying on Thanksgiving Instead of Grace

By Kimberly Harrington

Welcome to Middle-Aged Dads’ Fight Club

By Mike Silvia

Vignettes from a 2nd Grade Field Trip

By Sarah Caflisch

An Open Letter to Parents Planning to Trick or Treat with Their Baby

By Sloan Schang

PRO/CON: Caving to PTO Bake Sale Pressure

By Kimberly Harrington

Easy-Listening Songs From the ’70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids

By Suzanne Moshenko

How to Talk to Your Kids About Bernie Sanders

By Kimberly Harrington

Things I’ve Yelled at My Son While Biking Him to School

By Sloan Schang

Son, Your Mother and I Have Decided to See Other Kids

By John Merriman

Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit

By Jamie Allen

51 Things You Should Never Say to a Mother Ever

By Kimberly Harrington

An Art History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words

By Ethan Ryan

Fifty Shades of Richard Scarry

By Mike Silvia

Advice I’d Be Giving My Fictional Son If My Real-life Daughters Weren’t Constantly Interrupting Me

By Eric Olsen

Conversations I Imagine My 10-Year-Old and 7-Year-Old Have About Me When They See Each Other in the Hallway at School

By Jamie Allen

How To Talk To Your Kids About Gay Marriage

By Kimberly Harrington

Ask Yourself: Grilled Cheese or Quesadilla?

By Sloan Schang

What do you think of my son’s senior picture that was shot by Annie Leibovitz?

By Kimberly Harrington

PRO/CON: Driving the Family Into a Lake

By Noel Corley

I’m Stepping Down from this Kids’ Game to Spend More Time with My Family

By Darren Higgins

21 Parenting Listicles I’ll Be Perma-writing in Hell

By Kimberly Harrington

PRO/CON: Raising Kids as a Pro Con

By Eric Olsen

An open letter to my kids about how I’ll never write them another open letter

By Kimberly Harrington

I learned it by watching you.

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