
The RAZED Archives


The Last Days of Marriage Told in Conversation Hearts

RE: re: re: RE: quick note on sleeping arrangements for Christmas

Krampus, the Kristmas Demon, is Coming to Town!

Children’s FAQs: A Guide to Maintaining the Magical Deceit of Christmas

This Christmas, Let’s Agree We’re All to Blame for My Affair with the Nanny

Back-to-School Shopping List for My 38-Year-Old Husband Who Is Following His Dreams, Also Our Baby Is 5 Months Old

Updated Definitions of Insanity

Back to School Means Back to Spirit Week!

Blink Twice if You’re Filling Out This Pre-K Information Sheet Under Duress

The Week Before School Starts: A Select Search History

I Need Help Reintegrating Into Adult Society After Spending Summer With My Kids

Back-to-School Tips for the Digital Dystopia from the Folks Who Brought It to You

Fingerbang Creek and Other Highlights of Visiting Day at Camp Kotowa

Their Lack of Obedience is Disturbing: Darth Vader’s Parenting Diary

Ask Yourself: What Summer Camp Should I Send My Kid To?

Hiding from My Kids in the Bathroom and Scrolling Through Instagram While the Rest of the World Summers Like It’s Their Fucking Job

Summer Graphic Tees for Okay Moms

Transcript of a Press Conference Announcing Unilateral Sanctions Against the Ice Cream Truck

Sestina for the Camp Wojciehowicz Lost and Found

Amazing! These Moms Kept Their Cool Running Errands!

You Don’t Need a Push Present, Honey—You’ve Got a Brand New Baby!

Welcome To Riley’s Third Birthday Party and First Aid Boot Camp!

Crazy-Easy Employment Is Just a Click Away at SittersForKiddos.com!

An Honest Back-To-School Letter from Your Child’s New Teacher

19 Things to Do When Your 19-Year-Old Is Apparently Living at Home Forever

Summer Movie Sequels Starring My Kids

The Debbie Miller Homeschool For Family-Centered Learning End-Of-Year Exam

A Kids’ Birthday Party Screening Questionnaire for Introverts

Top Complaints from the Birdwell Island Home Owners’ Association Regarding the Big Red Dog Residing at 18 Morning Glory Lane

A Letter from My Editor Regarding the Unexpectedly Truthful Nature of My Parenting-Guide Manuscript

The Likely Conversation Between the Two Men Who Broke Into Our Minivan Last Night

Baby’s First Raiders Game

Welcome to Another Episode of How Toddlers Think

Important Updates Re: Bryson’s 5th Birthday Party

An Open Letter to the Attendees of My Daughter’s Birthday Party, Written After Drinking Eight Beers

Transcript, Episode 6, Season 666 of Dora the Explorer: “Dora Visits the Underworld”

The Ten Commandments for Jesus After Moving Back Into His Dad’s House

New York Times Sunday Routine: Zach Jenkins, Four Years Old

From the Dr. Seuss Tesla Model S Owner’s Guide: Rear-Facing Child Seats

The Parent Teacher Organization Is Sorry You Were Offended By the Magic Show

Volunteer Mom Personas that Can Lead to Unpaid Self-Actualization According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Welcome to the Child Retention Centre!

Every Children’s Animated Movie Pitch Meeting

Let’s Take a Fun Family Trip to the Impound Lot!

If Sara’s Favorite Cartoon Characters Attended Her Fourth Birthday Party

I’ve Edited a Website for 12 Months so I’m Pretty Sure I Know What It’s Like to Have a One-Year-Old

1YO Magazine: The Only Periodical by One-year-olds for One-year-olds

And the Cradle Will Rock: A Father’s Day Playlist for My One-Year-Old Scream Queen

Ask Yourself: What Theme Should I Choose for My One-Year-Old’s Birthday Party?

Expectations for a One-Year-Old in 2016 vs. 1846

Don’t Miss Our PTO Fundraiser: MOM FIGHT CLUB!

Our Son Saw Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice and Now We’re Starting to Worry About Him

An Open Letter to the Adorable Young Couple Leisurely Strolling By As I Frantically Usher My Children into My RAV4

How About You Do Sex to Me for Mother’s Day

Surprising and Horrible Ways to Tell Him You’re Pregnant!

Status Update: A Report From the Front Lines

10 Conversations in Our Home Today that Ended with “You’re Stupid”

Nursery Rhymes I Now Sing to My Kids Thanks to This Stupid Election

Updated CDC Recommendations for Baby Ovens

The Forbes 3 Under 3

Radiohead Song or Accurate Description of My Parenting?

I’m About to Destroy My Kid at Hungry, Hungry Hippos

Snip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah: A Vasectomy Playlist

How to Dress Your 3-Year-Old in 39 Easy Steps

A Petition for Coitus: Burns vs. Burns

Yes, I Will Bring My Kids to Your Child’s Party, and I Will Also Bring My Asshole A-Game

PRO/CON: Letting My Kid Finish His Meal After Vomiting in This Restaurant

To the Parent Standing Next to Me at the Slide Not Paying Attention

I’m Your New School Bus Driver, Jeremy Irons

Yelp Reviews of My Four-Year-Old’s Restaurant

Welcome to Our Year of Radical Honesty

Feedback on ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas from Our Copyeditor

RECALL ALERT: All Things Previously Thought Safe For Babies, Actually Lethal

Doc McStuffins Toy Malady or Old-Timey Slang for Venereal Disease?

Things I’ll Be Saying on Thanksgiving Instead of Grace

Welcome to Middle-Aged Dads’ Fight Club

Vignettes from a 2nd Grade Field Trip

An Open Letter to Parents Planning to Trick or Treat with Their Baby

PRO/CON: Caving to PTO Bake Sale Pressure

Easy-Listening Songs From the ’70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids

How to Talk to Your Kids About Bernie Sanders

Things I’ve Yelled at My Son While Biking Him to School

Son, Your Mother and I Have Decided to See Other Kids

Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit

51 Things You Should Never Say to a Mother Ever

An Art History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words

Fifty Shades of Richard Scarry

Advice I’d Be Giving My Fictional Son If My Real-life Daughters Weren’t Constantly Interrupting Me

Conversations I Imagine My 10-Year-Old and 7-Year-Old Have About Me When They See Each Other in the Hallway at School

How To Talk To Your Kids About Gay Marriage

Ask Yourself: Grilled Cheese or Quesadilla?

What do you think of my son’s senior picture that was shot by Annie Leibovitz?

PRO/CON: Driving the Family Into a Lake

I’m Stepping Down from this Kids’ Game to Spend More Time with My Family

21 Parenting Listicles I’ll Be Perma-writing in Hell

PRO/CON: Raising Kids as a Pro Con
