The RAZED Archives
Krampus, the Kristmas Demon, is Coming to Town!
Children’s FAQs: A Guide to Maintaining the Magical Deceit of Christmas
This Christmas, Let’s Agree We’re All to Blame for My Affair with the Nanny
Back-to-School Shopping List for My 38-Year-Old Husband Who Is Following His Dreams, Also Our Baby Is 5 Months Old
Updated Definitions of Insanity
Back to School Means Back to Spirit Week!
Blink Twice if You’re Filling Out This Pre-K Information Sheet Under Duress
The Week Before School Starts: A Select Search History
I Need Help Reintegrating Into Adult Society After Spending Summer With My Kids
Back-to-School Tips for the Digital Dystopia from the Folks Who Brought It to You
Fingerbang Creek and Other Highlights of Visiting Day at Camp Kotowa
Their Lack of Obedience is Disturbing: Darth Vader’s Parenting Diary
Ask Yourself: What Summer Camp Should I Send My Kid To?
Hiding from My Kids in the Bathroom and Scrolling Through Instagram While the Rest of the World Summers Like It’s Their Fucking Job
Summer Graphic Tees for Okay Moms
Transcript of a Press Conference Announcing Unilateral Sanctions Against the Ice Cream Truck
Sestina for the Camp Wojciehowicz Lost and Found
Amazing! These Moms Kept Their Cool Running Errands!
You Don’t Need a Push Present, Honey—You’ve Got a Brand New Baby!
Welcome To Riley’s Third Birthday Party and First Aid Boot Camp!
Crazy-Easy Employment Is Just a Click Away at SittersForKiddos.com!
An Honest Back-To-School Letter from Your Child’s New Teacher
19 Things to Do When Your 19-Year-Old Is Apparently Living at Home Forever
Summer Movie Sequels Starring My Kids
The Debbie Miller Homeschool For Family-Centered Learning End-Of-Year Exam
A Kids’ Birthday Party Screening Questionnaire for Introverts
Top Complaints from the Birdwell Island Home Owners’ Association Regarding the Big Red Dog Residing at 18 Morning Glory Lane
A Letter from My Editor Regarding the Unexpectedly Truthful Nature of My Parenting-Guide Manuscript
The Likely Conversation Between the Two Men Who Broke Into Our Minivan Last Night
Baby’s First Raiders Game
Welcome to Another Episode of How Toddlers Think
Important Updates Re: Bryson’s 5th Birthday Party
An Open Letter to the Attendees of My Daughter’s Birthday Party, Written After Drinking Eight Beers
Transcript, Episode 6, Season 666 of Dora the Explorer: “Dora Visits the Underworld”
The Ten Commandments for Jesus After Moving Back Into His Dad’s House
New York Times Sunday Routine: Zach Jenkins, Four Years Old
From the Dr. Seuss Tesla Model S Owner’s Guide: Rear-Facing Child Seats
The Parent Teacher Organization Is Sorry You Were Offended By the Magic Show
Volunteer Mom Personas that Can Lead to Unpaid Self-Actualization According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Welcome to the Child Retention Centre!
Every Children’s Animated Movie Pitch Meeting
Let’s Take a Fun Family Trip to the Impound Lot!
If Sara’s Favorite Cartoon Characters Attended Her Fourth Birthday Party
I’ve Edited a Website for 12 Months so I’m Pretty Sure I Know What It’s Like to Have a One-Year-Old
1YO Magazine: The Only Periodical by One-year-olds for One-year-olds
And the Cradle Will Rock: A Father’s Day Playlist for My One-Year-Old Scream Queen
Ask Yourself: What Theme Should I Choose for My One-Year-Old’s Birthday Party?
Expectations for a One-Year-Old in 2016 vs. 1846
Don’t Miss Our PTO Fundraiser: MOM FIGHT CLUB!
Our Son Saw Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice and Now We’re Starting to Worry About Him
An Open Letter to the Adorable Young Couple Leisurely Strolling By As I Frantically Usher My Children into My RAV4
How About You Do Sex to Me for Mother’s Day
Surprising and Horrible Ways to Tell Him You’re Pregnant!
Status Update: A Report From the Front Lines
10 Conversations in Our Home Today that Ended with “You’re Stupid”
Nursery Rhymes I Now Sing to My Kids Thanks to This Stupid Election
Updated CDC Recommendations for Baby Ovens
The Forbes 3 Under 3
Radiohead Song or Accurate Description of My Parenting?
I’m About to Destroy My Kid at Hungry, Hungry Hippos
Snip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah: A Vasectomy Playlist
How to Dress Your 3-Year-Old in 39 Easy Steps
A Petition for Coitus: Burns vs. Burns
Yes, I Will Bring My Kids to Your Child’s Party, and I Will Also Bring My Asshole A-Game
PRO/CON: Letting My Kid Finish His Meal After Vomiting in This Restaurant
To the Parent Standing Next to Me at the Slide Not Paying Attention
I’m Your New School Bus Driver, Jeremy Irons
Yelp Reviews of My Four-Year-Old’s Restaurant
Welcome to Our Year of Radical Honesty
Feedback on ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas from Our Copyeditor
RECALL ALERT: All Things Previously Thought Safe For Babies, Actually Lethal
Doc McStuffins Toy Malady or Old-Timey Slang for Venereal Disease?
Things I’ll Be Saying on Thanksgiving Instead of Grace
Welcome to Middle-Aged Dads’ Fight Club
Vignettes from a 2nd Grade Field Trip
An Open Letter to Parents Planning to Trick or Treat with Their Baby
PRO/CON: Caving to PTO Bake Sale Pressure
Easy-Listening Songs From the ’70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids
How to Talk to Your Kids About Bernie Sanders
Things I’ve Yelled at My Son While Biking Him to School
Son, Your Mother and I Have Decided to See Other Kids
Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit
51 Things You Should Never Say to a Mother Ever
An Art History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words
Fifty Shades of Richard Scarry
Advice I’d Be Giving My Fictional Son If My Real-life Daughters Weren’t Constantly Interrupting Me
Conversations I Imagine My 10-Year-Old and 7-Year-Old Have About Me When They See Each Other in the Hallway at School
How To Talk To Your Kids About Gay Marriage
Ask Yourself: Grilled Cheese or Quesadilla?
What do you think of my son’s senior picture that was shot by Annie Leibovitz?
PRO/CON: Driving the Family Into a Lake
I’m Stepping Down from this Kids’ Game to Spend More Time with My Family
21 Parenting Listicles I’ll Be Perma-writing in Hell
PRO/CON: Raising Kids as a Pro Con
