Becky Hallwell, 36, mother of four, definitely did not tell the pharmacist for the third time this week that he messed up the medications that keep her son breathing or that if he were unable to do his job she would do it for him by calling the other pharmacies in the area and she swears if he says one more thing she will utterly implode. Nope, no way did Becky do this! Amazing!
Melissa Anderson, 32, mother of three, wasn’t at all rattled when, after several weeks of having walking pneumonia yet maintaining a sense of normalcy for her family, her husband decided to take a “personal day” from work because he MIGHT be getting a cold. Unbelievable really that she in no way put her face in a pillow and screamed when he also asked if everyone could just be a little quieter because, again, “Daddy MIGHT be getting a cold.” Remarkable!
There is no way Carla Rogers, 42, mother of two, lost her cool at Kohl’s when attempting to return a defective Keurig. She did not let the customer-service lady know that it took her 45 GODDAMN MINUTES to get to the only Kohl’s that is “near” her and she would just like to exchange this thing so she can get back to enjoying a morning cup of coffee ALONE at 5:45 AM. Yep, no way did this happen. Great job, Carla!
Jennifer Sullivan, 27, mother of triplet toddlers, wasn’t flustered at all when it turned out she had to go INSIDE the bank. Turns out her partner didn’t put the deposit together correctly and the teller was unable to help her unless she came INSIDE. She managed to get the large stroller for the toddlers out of the car, strapping them in without inciting triple toddler meltdowns! Even more incredible was how she managed to take care of all of that and get to the door of the bank only to have a random customer open the door and let it close on her face, and almost on her children, while she was trying to get INSIDE! It was then that she definitely kept her cool and in no way began to seethe and hiss curses about everyone getting alopecia and acne. Absolutely, no way this happened. Go get ’em, Jennifer!
Finally, there isn’t any chance that Gabby Roth, 54, mother of five, including her 22-year-old, who has been on a gap year for three years now, engaged in an act of road rage. No way while listening over Bluetooth to said 22-year-old’s text, which sounded like, “I get it, like, you want me to be able to support myself but how can I actually do that if I’m like on my own? Also, I need you guys to be home to get my Amazon Prime package that’s being delivered and bee-tee-double-you, I used your account,” was she simultaneously cut off and then stuck in the worst traffic jam in history. No way did she find some stale chicken nuggets on the floor and, in a fit of rage, start whipping them at the cars passing by! Unbelievable that this didn’t happen!
Yes! Way to go, moms!
Illustration by Sarah Webb