Ah, the holiday season! It’s that wonderful time of year when lying to your kids isn’t just acceptable, it’s encouraged. Santa, reindeer, elves on shelves—Christmas is so full of deception! That’s why I’ve pulled together this handy guide to help you navigate your complicated web of lies.
How is Santa always watching?
Imagine a television that carries millions of different channels. That’s what Santa has, and every one of those channels plays a different child’s highlight reel. Santa sits in his recliner all day, eating sandwiches and drinking the occasional beer, as he flips through the channels and takes notes on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. That’s why he’s so fat.
Can he watch me when I pee?
Can he? Yes. Does he? Well… yes, probably.
But Santa couldn’t possibly keep tabs on all the millions of children around the world, could he?
Of course not. That’s why the Elf on the Shelf stays with us the month before Christmas. That’s crunch time, kiddo. It’s the end of the year and you’ve been good for so long. Santa knows you’re ready to crack, and he wants to catch it when it happens. Santa doesn’t play games. So we let a strange, tiny man come live with us for 33 days. He watches you in stoic silence all day and then he, you know, gets up and lurks around while we’re all asleep.
Does he watch me when I pee?
How does the Elf on the Shelf contact Santa to report on my behavior?
He keeps a cell phone in a Ziploc bag that’s taped to the tank behind the toilet.
Is the North Pole real?
Of course the North Pole is real. Christopher Columbus discovered it on his way to discovering America. He was like, “Welp, here I am on my way to discovering America on purpose. I look forward to arriving and living peacefully with whomever may already be dwelling there. Hey, what’s that up ahead, is that a North Pole?!?” Anyway, it was too cold there for a Spaniard so he left and then Santa happened to pass by. The land was cheap to build on so he built his workshop and had all his elves shipped up there. And that’s the complete story of the North Pole.
How do reindeer fly?
Santa’s reindeer are fed a steady diet of grains and Red Bull. Reindeer are probably magic too, but it’s mostly the grains and Red Bull.
How does Santa eat all those milk and cookies?
That’s a rude question. Santa has been struggling with body-image issues for centuries. Just let him live his truth, okay?
How does Santa visit all those houses in just one night?
Again, grains and Red Bull.
How does Santa get into houses that don’t have chimneys?
Easy. Santa’s a big dude, but he’s stealthy, and nobody’s house is as safe as they think it is. Anyone could pry their way into most homes by taking a crowbar to a window, no problem. Oh, not our house, though—this place is airtight.
Why do rich kids get better presents from Santa?
Come on, kid. Money talks and you know it. Santa has been colluding—you know what colluding is, right?—with rich parents since the beginning of time. He showers rich kids with opulent gifts, introducing them to the idea of feeling better and more important than anyone else in the schoolyard, and the parents pay him off. It’s how he can afford that television with the millions of channels.
Illustration by James Kochalka