Silence
Paid maternity leave that lasts longer than one billing cycle
Any form of paternity leave, actually taken
A leave for almost any reason, really
Good thick socks, the really dependable kind
Socks that stay on and never abandon their mates
You know, socks that really commit
What I’m saying is socks with some emotional intelligence
A solemn vow to always care deeply about socks
No one crying in your face about why the moon isn’t closer
You not crying in your own face about why the moon isn’t closer, because the moon being closer would actually be nice
Just, no one crying, please, just give me a minute
A hug
A hug without an agenda
A hug that doesn’t leave a residue
A hug with an agenda that definitely leaves a residue, but in a hotel far away with spotty cell service while your in-laws watch the kids for a fucking change
Five minutes of the cat walking on your back, with the bedroom door closed
Ten minutes alone with the toilet, please God
Fifteen minutes alone in a room, any room, would be fantastic
Chocolate that does not need to be shared
Ice cream that does not need to be shared
Whiskey that could theoretically be shared but won’t be
Banning of the word “we” in relation to a task everyone knows you singularly handle. Used in a sentence: “Did ‘we’ buy a birthday gift for my sister?”
Banning of any acquaintance who refers to you, in public, in a barely discernible yet undeniably derisive way as “sexy mama”
Banning of the word “likable” at least until the rise of the matriarchy is complete
Boob play
I said boob play. Yes, it can too be a gift if you’re good at it
Just to be real clear, when I say “boob play” I’m talking the non-meal variety. Well great, now I feel all weird about it
A “Get Out of PTO Requests” coupon good for all eternity
A “Get Out of Life” coupon good for leaving the house on a shit day but also why am I a person who needs coupons to navigate life now?
A “Get Out of Coupons” coupon that causes the shadow gift-giving industry to fold in on itself, imploding into a dark star
Someone else handling the request for help at school, unasked
Someone else making sure the whole family gets their flu shots, unasked
Someone else correctly sizing and buying snow boots for your children, unasked
Literally anything getting done without asking for it to get done would be fucking hot
Except the hug with residue
That is absolutely an “ask in advance” type of situation
“In advance” is an illusion
Speaking of illusions, how about the illusion of freedom?
Back to the silence thing
Also: A pedicure
A vibrator
A hotel key
A one-person-sized bed
Blackout drapes
See you February 15th
Illustration by Christine Mitchell Adams
