Exercise Fad: Kid Crossfit

Our first exercise is called Jump on One Foot. This is great to do on your lunch break.

Are you ready? Let’s go!

Exit your office building. Now, Jump on One Foot. Jump on One Foot. Jump on One Foot. Keep jumping on one foot. Tap your lunch partner, Sam, on the shoulder and tell him you’re jumping one foot. Tell him he can’t Jump on One Foot, not like you can Jump on One Foot.

Keep telling Sam he can’t Jump on One Foot. Refuse to talk about anything else—tax troubles, his annoying boss—until he starts jumping on one foot.

When he finally starts jumping on one foot, that’s your cue—Jump on the Other Foot. Jump on the Other Foot. Jump on the Other Foot.

Now, Wipe Your Nose While Jumping on One Foot. Wipe Your Nose While Jumping on One Foot. Wipe that nose! Now, Pick Your Nose While Jumping on One Foot. Careful! Bloody nose!

See your bloody nose and Cry. Cry! Cry! Cry! Five more reps! I wanna hear you cry!

Wipe the Blood on Your Shirt. Wipe the Blood on Your Shirt. Wipe the Blood on Your Shirt. Three more reps!

Back to Jump on One Foot! When Sam switches to the same foot that you’re using, Jump on Both Feet. Jump on Both Feet. Jump on Both Feet.

Jump Real High! Jump Real High! Jump Real High!

Tell everyone within earshot you can jump higher than them. If Sam challenges you, go back to Jump on One Foot and ignore Sam. Ignore Sam Hard! Ignore Sam Hard! Ignore Sam Hard! Five more reps!

Jump on One Foot! All the way to the restaurant. Good.

During lunch, challenge Sam to 10 reps of Eat Sugar from Sugar Packets and 50 reps of Stand-Sit-Stand-Sit. Cool down with two reps of Spill Your Sprite.

– – – –

Who says you need to leave your office to get in shape? Work is a great place for exercise.

Let’s start in the break room. Ready?

Eat Fran’s Leftover Birthday Cupcakes. Eat Fran’s Leftover Birthday Cupcakes. Eat Fran’s Leftover Birthday Cupcakes. Five more reps! Come on, feel the sugar buzz! One more cupcake! Pink coconut! You can do it!

Good. Now it’s time for Run Around and Say “Whee!” Let’s do this in the main work area, where we have lots of room. Who cares if the adults mind? They’re fat adults! Do you want to be a fat adult? Let’s go!

Run Around and Say “Whee!” Run Around and Say “Whee!” Run Around and Say “Whee!”

Call Dave from Accounting Stupid! Call Dave from Accounting Stupid! Call Dave from Accounting Stupid! Call him stupid until he chases you!

Run Into the Boss’s Office! Run Into the Boss’s Office! Run Into the Boss’s Office!

When she tries to Call HR, Hang Up the Phone! When she tells you to Stop, Say, “You Stop!”

Say, “You Stop!” Say, “You Stop!” Say, “You Stop!” 10 reps of this! Nobody stops!

Cool down with a Visit to HR. One rep.

– – – –

You can also find some exercise time at an afternoon house party. First, Find the Food Table. It’s in the adult room.

Now, Run Around the Food Table! Run Around the Food Table! Run Around the Food Table! Keep running! Run Around the Food Table until someone tells you to please stop!

Stop for five seconds. Catch your breath.

Now, Run Around the Food Table! Run Around the Food Table! Run Around the Food Table!

When someone grabs your arm, Scream and Pull Away! Scream and Pull Away! Scream and Pull Away!

Five more reps! Feel the burn! This could be a kidnapper grabbing you! Are you just gonna give in? Scream and Pull Away!

Now, Fast-Walk Around the Table. Fast-Walk Around the Table. Fast-Walk Around the Table. Are you running? Maybe!

Now, Trip and Fall Into the Table! Trip and Fall Into the Table! Trip and Fall Into the Table! Knock over that bowl of stupid carrots. We don’t need carrots!

Run outside. Find the cooler. Fling It Open! Fling It Open! Fling It Open!

Find a juice pouch. Tear Open the Straw with Your Teeth! Tear Open the Straw with Your Teeth! Tear Open the Straw with Your Teeth!

Drink the Pouch in Three Seconds! Drink the Pouch in Three Seconds! Drink the Pouch in Three Seconds! That juice should be gone!

When an adult asks you to pick up the straw plastic you tossed on the ground, Say, “No.”

Louder! I wanna hear you Say, “No!”

LOUDER! I WANNA HEAR YOU SAY, “NO!”

Drop that juice pouch on the ground! It’s time for Tag with an Annoying Adult!

Tag Them on the Face! Tag Them on the Face! Tag Them on the Face!

Harder!

Now you’ve done it—run! Back into the house! To the front door! Run outside! Down the sidewalk! Here comes a car!

Find a Ball! Find a Ball! Find a Ball!

Pick Up the Ball! Pick Up the Ball! Pick Up the Ball!

Roll It Into the Street! Roll It Into the Street! Roll It Into the Street!

Make the Car Slam on its Brakes! Make the Car Slam on its Brakes! Make the Car Slam on its Brakes!

Statue Time! Can the car driver see you when you’re a statue? Only if you move. Nobody move!

The driver sees you! Cry! Cry! Cry! Five more reps!

Sit down on the sidewalk. Cool-down time. Crisscross applesauce, face in the palms of your hands.

Good work. Here comes an adult. Have them carry you back inside.

[This piece originally appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.]

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