Start to cruise around furniture as leg muscles strengthen vs. Cling desperately to mother’s neck while she cares for your eleven siblings

Count Dr. Einstein blocks at a kindergarten level, say more words than any of those other babies in Baby Excellence class vs. Travel in father’s beard, hold tools ready to assist with logging

Only gentle touches for purebred Mr. Kitty vs. Avoid being eaten by the wolves and wild dogs that gather near the well at night

Try not to spit up milk on your ethically crafted, organic Fairtrade cotton gown vs. Don’t poop inside the rough burlap sack you wear as a dress

Giggle coyly in response to any of the following names: Peanut, Chicky, Cute-ums, Poppet Maroo, Angel-Pie, Scrumptious Love-Bunny vs. Drag yourself over to mother when she bangs a pan with a spoon since she hasn’t named you yet

Don’t hit your sister Honey-Peaches with that latex-free giraffe doll vs. Assist Benjamin, Emil, and Zedekiah in the factory getting the cotton jams loose with those teeny little fingers

Don’t eat nuts, gluten, dairy, sugar, junk foods of any kind or anything that you could choke on vs. Forage for your breakfast in the woods, strip nettles for soup

Smile sweetly for Nana on FaceTime vs. Don’t smile, life isn’t to be enjoyed, and grandmother died of old age at 41

Do a serviceable Down Dog pose in baby yoga class vs. Attempt walking with that terrifying malnutrition-induced bend in your legs

Adopt your family’s holistic approach to healthy organic living vs. Wow, you’re still alive, huh?

Illustration by Laura Schneider