It’s finally Father’s Day—my first one—and look at me: I’m not even an empty husk. I’m less than that. I’m an empty husk that’s been ground into dust and blown out the ass of a howler monkey. And baby, that howler monkey is you.
So guess what? Mommy’s at JCPenney and Daddy brought the big speakers up from the basement, and we’re about to kick out the jams. Sorry, what’s that? No, Daddy can’t hear you, honey. See the speakers?
“You Talk Too Much” – Run DMC
Oh snap! You hear that? That’s Run telling you to SHUT UP! He’s a goddamn reverend, so you have no choice but to LISTEN. Now, I know that communicating with words is not really your strong suit, but if you replace talk with wail like a hyena being skinned alive whenever I’m within 30 feet of you, this song would be perfect for our First Annual Father’s Day Daddy-Daughter Dance.
“Too Loud” – Wax
What’s that? You think it’s too loud? Ha.
“Big Daddy” – Nikki Minaj
Yes, I agree: Miss Minaj is way out of line by telling me my daughter “Front like she tough but that bitch keep on crying / Get this bitch a tissue.” But honey, how am I gonna raise you to be an honest toddler if I don’t keep it 100?
“Last Caress” – Misfits
Speaking of lines, this little number crosses all of them and gives zero fucks about it. Honestly, I didn’t think this song was even allowed to exist anymore. Who lets this happen? Good thing these creeps broke up and will never play again. Jesus. Don’t tell Mommy, okay?
“Papa Was a Rolling Stone” – The Temptations
You should thank your lucky stars I’m not a rolling stone, honey. You think I’d be coming home every night just to have you peel off my skin with your lacerating ululations? Hell no. I’d either be tumbling down a grassy hill putting some major fucking distance between us or I’d be chomping Viagra and shagging birds a third my age. Maybe both.
“No Sleep Till Brooklyn” – Beastie Boys
- I’m from Brooklyn.
- I don’t sleep anymore.
- I now look like MCA sounds. For real. People ask me on the reg if I’ve just been punched in the face. What a year.
“No Sleep” – Wiz Khalifa
Awww shit, that’s my jam! Check it—that’s my life, right there in the first two lines: “Last night I let the party get the best of me / Waking up in the morning, two hoes laying next to me.” And by “party” I mean “shoveling Cap’n Crunch into my face hole by the light of the refrigerator,” and by “two hoes laying next to me” I mean “you and Mommy fanned out like prehistoric starfish while I teeter on the unforgiving edge of the mattress.”
“All Night” – Chance the Rapper
Yes, when I say all night I mean all night. Again, look at my face. Does it look like I’m exaggerating?
“Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” – James Brown
Oh, if only. You think I’d be this tired if I had a bag? I don’t know a guy anymore but even if I did, no one would be insane/stupid/deaf enough to come to our house of screams just to puff tough with me. I tell you what, though: if we lived in Colorado, Papa would have a brand new bag every damn night. Fact.
“Man of the Year” – ScHoolboy Q
Whoa, look at you bopping quietly. So this is your jam, huh? Nice. You know, Mommy objects to this one, told me flat out, “It’s on the black list—I mean, I don’t mean the black list, I just mean—c’mon, you know what I mean.” Sure I do. That’s why we wait until she’s gone before we kick it, don’t we, honey? If she could only see us now. Did you know that you dance like a drunk chicken hiccuping in a bouncy chair? Shake it for the man of the year. Yeah, I guess that’s me.
Illustration by Sven Barth