Fingerbang Creek and Other Highlights of Visiting Day at Camp Kotowa

Dear Moms, Dads, and Financial Guardians of Camp Kotowa campers,

It’s that time of summer again!

We know what you’re thinking: “How could it already be Visiting Day? We haven’t even had time to make love in an unconventional room of the house, and we’ve only just discovered the four-liter boxed Chardonnay at Costco.” Well, what can we tell you folks? Time flies when your kids are at the number one co-ed Jewish overnight camp on the Eastern seaboard!

Veteran Kotowans know the drill, but for you first-timers, here are a few of the fun-filled activities you can expect on Visiting Day:

  • Tour our rustic wood cabins, where 11-year-old boys have measured their erect penises against their bunkmates’ since 1951.
  • Take in the woodland air on the bunk patios, where your little one has undoubtedly defecated in the middle of the night—too terrified to walk to the outhouse alone and too embarrassed to ask another camper for company.
  • Speaking of which, check out the communal wash house, where your prepubescent cherub has his or her hairless genitalia ridiculed by more developed campers, or gets tortured for having any hair down there at all, depending on his or her age group.
  • Hike down to Dante’s Creek, where your teenage daughter has most likely been finger-blasted for the first time.
  • Enjoy lunch in the mess hall, where you might savor such delicacies as chicken parmesan, chicken pot pie, chicken schnitzel, chicken chowder, chicken chimichurris, chicken-stuffed peppers, or chicken fried rice, relative to which day of the week it is and when the original chicken was cooked.
  • Take a stroll through acres of private forest, where your cutie patooties have learned to mask the smell of narcotics by exhaling through discarded toilet-paper rolls filled with lavender-scented dryer sheets.
  • Stop by the gymnasium, where nightly theater performances may inspire your budding thespians to pursue acting for the rest of their lives, forcing you out of early retirement to bankroll their dreams on a dwindling savings account.
  • Learn about our end-of-summer overnight trips, where your son or daughter will experience his or her first or second homosexual experience.
  • Visit our Jewish Studies Center, equipped with all the educational resources your child needs to play Fortnite on a forbidden iPhone while becoming increasingly disillusioned with organized religion.
  • Take in the view of the waterfront, where every summer, one of your precious babes violates the buddy system and is presumed dead after a series of patented “lake sweeps” performed by an ultra-tanned, 15-year-old beach staff member. (Fear not: 92% of missing swimmers are found dry humping in the canoe shed.)
  • See the renovated Senior Girls rec hall, where nightly chat sessions promote bonding with topics such as “Guess We Have To Talk About Eating Disorders Now” and “Instagramming Your Friend’s Boobs Is Not A Feminist Act.”
  • Finally, get to know our fun-loving counselors, who keep your precious cargo entertained by regularly returning from the filthy townie bar, hours after curfew, and projectile vomiting into smuggled bags of soggy French fries.

Summer camp is a formative experience in your child’s life. We hope you will find the time in your busy summer schedules to be a part of it! (Please do not bring peanuts. All the children will die.)

Sincerely,
The Kotowa Camp Directors

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