Merry Kristmas, unsuspecting Americans!
Or, how does one say, “season’s greetings”? The Blitzkrieg on Kristmas is still blitzing avay, no? I vill tell you vhat it is the season for: for ich! Oh ja, you have been very bad, very bad indeed, you naughty USA children. But I have some good news for zose parents who choose to outsource zeir very important task of child-rearing!
I am readying my enormous Rucksack. My best chains are being polished vit ze fatty marrow of ze bones of vicked children of Kristmases past and I have just returned from ze deepest, darkest Herz of ze Black Forest vhere I have harvested ze most sturdy-looking svitches for ze most vigorous of backsides-svitching.
I am patching any large holes in my trusty burlap Sack vhere ze smallest of you might vriggle out and avay from my raining blows and subseqvent dragging back to hell. I have also purchased some patriotisch-looking roller skates to make my travel qvuicker as I understand America is boz much larger and in some places more evil zan Deutschland. Did you know zere are in ze Midvest alone ten times more portals to ze undervorld zan in all of Deutsch-speaking Europe? I am impressed.
Oh ja, I am coming to America. But unlike ze Eddie Murphy film, you vill not be laughing.
You must however not be afraid. I have a Job to do, yes, but I also vant to help repair ze status of your very sad state. Vee are cracking bad eggs so vee can cook zem over infernal Flammen to make an omelette zat is somevhat palatable. To get relief you must also feel some Schmerz, is zis not too German for you?
Because zis is my first time in your country and because I am feeling charitable, I have decided to publish a list of targeted behaviors, so no one can say zey vere not varned. Zis is highly unusual, but I know you too have some new, not-so-normal challenges now an angry German man is running your Land, and Krampus is not incapable of Empathie.
Zis year, behaviors punishable by burlap-bagging, chaining, backsides-svitching, and to-hell-dragging are:
- Spending more time in front of your clever Telefon or less clever TV zan in ze free air.
- Using foul langvuage unbecoming of an innocent young person, or of a vorld Führer.
- Indulging in disproportionate amounts of sveet candy or ze special edition Diabetes flavor Doritos to ze fruits and vegetables.
- Forgetting many children have not ze abundance zat you do by vasting healzy foods in ze trash receptacle or letting extra Wasser run down ze sink.
- Calling names instead of using brain-fuelled Argument.
- Not taking “nein” for an answer, especially from parental authorities, but mostly your mozer, a truly divine lady person.
- Violating Haushalt decrees or committing criminal Aktivität.
- Covering up such transgressions to avoid righteous punishment (i.e. burlap-bagging, chaining, backsides-svitching, to-hell-dragging).
- Being cruel to somevone just because zey are different, including having funny accents or choosing to vear vone of zose silly red hats (eizer of St. Nikolaus or presidential infomercial variety).
And, exclusively for ze US, vee shall also be punishing parents engaging in any of ze above Aktivitäten, plus ze following:
- Stress-yelling at your offspring vhen you fail to cope anymore! Ja, ze times are hard, but vee must not blame ze children!
Now ze good news: I am looking for a helper for my behavior correction Aktivitäten, or maybe two or zree. Ze demoning and ze punishing is hard vork, ja, but it is also sehr revarding, even vhen you have to chase ze Naughties down and bellow and scratch at zem vit your long, curly claws. Often ze Naughties vill zank you for your efforts vonce you have zem vor your hellfire and zey vant to repent for zeir sins. Plus zere is healzcare.
Who vill help me to beat all ze impish children? It is an imperative task zat must be performed vit proper zeal and strengz, lest zey grow up to be respektlose, hideous adults. I am accepting applications at www.krampusgoesamerica.de. References preferred.
Prepare yourselves, bad little children. You are about to receive ze vhooping of your young lives, but I assure you, you vill not regret it.
Krampus is coming to make zings right. You need mich, America. You can use all ze Hilfe you can get.
Illustration by Laura Schneider