PRO/CON: Driving the Family Into a Lake

PRO: Unrestricted ability to jerk it to Game of Thrones mid-afternoon.

CON: Less ready-made snacks around the house.

PRO: A return to the halcyon days of gratuitous late morning sexual escapades.

CON: Shit, she’s in that car too.

PRO: She’s in that car tho.

CON: Gonna need that car.

PRO: New car dealer is a young, spunky go-getter who somehow makes a blazer and skirt combination into a weaponized sexual tractor beam. She’s attracted to the bereaved. Wait, no—she doesn’t give a shit that it was you who drove your family into a lake, especially with everything she’s heard about the resale value of late-90s Toyotas. In fact, it shows a savagely sexy breed of zero-fucks-giving that makes you a glorious, terrible Brando-as-Colonel-Kurtz figure. She’ll be drawn down the river to your tropical lair where you’ll live out your days reveling endlessly in animalistic Dionysian orgies.

CON: She’s gonna catch you getting choked up to Anita Baker sooner or later. Who are we kidding, it’s gonna be weekend two, whereupon she’ll disappear into an Eau de Lacoste-scented vapor and materialize next to Ken, the heat sink for daddy issues who runs the Dodge Ram service center. It’s pretty much guaranteed humiliation.

PRO: Anita Baker is great for those times.

CON: Shit, you know what I just realized? You’re gonna be in that car too.

PRO: Siri, google “driverless car.”

CON: Fuck YOU very much, Siri.

PRO: Holidays suddenly much less complicated.

CON: Holidays in jail.

PRO: Anita Baker Christmas album.

CON: Lake water. You better believe everyone’s gonna be complaining about that.

PRO: The kids just love to swim. And remember last summer at that cabin on the pond? They didn’t give a shit how cold that water was.

CON: Taught the kids to swim.

PRO: If you turn around right now, you can probably make that sweet weekend family deal with the half-off ice cream for kids under 12. Fuck it, ice cream would be amazing right now.

CON: Listen, you get the fucking flavor you get. No, those sprinkles will NOT kill you and if you spit them at your sister one more time we are 100% driving into the goddamn lake.

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