PRO: The 3-year-old can hide the car keys all she wants, I can hotwire our minivan in under a minute.
CON: Never have an excuse to not drive them to soccer.
PRO: No arguments from the opposing team’s dads—not after that one time.
CON: Half a million views on YouTube of me charging across the field swinging a soda-can-filled tube sock over my head.
PRO: Half a million views on YouTube.
CON: Old cellmate finds me, shows up drunk and tells the kids how their old man was the biggest bitch on the tier.
PRO: Endless rainy day MacGyver-type shit like heating up cups of cocoa with just a lamp cord and a set of fingernail clippers.
CON: Running out of forearm for the kids to practice using the tattoo gun we made out of a Walkman and ballpoint pen.
PRO: No actual guns allowed in the house = no accidental shootings.
CON: The grow room in the attic isn’t gonna defend itself.
PRO: Weed.
CON: Not allowed to leave the country.
PRO: College tuitions as good as paid for with all the money saved by not traveling abroad.
CON: Put myself through grad school a decade ago by pulling B&Es all over the state.
PRO: Swore on my mother’s grave that my kids wouldn’t have to go through that.
CON: My mother’s not dead yet. She lives in New York.
PRO: The kids don’t know that.
CON: Patrol cars cruise by our house every half hour on the half hour.
PRO: Safest house in town—except maybe the mayor’s.
CON: Not allowed to vote.
PRO: Can’t be blamed for who’s in office.
CON: Blamed for everything else.
PRO: Blame me all you want, but the statute of limitations for B&Es in this state is seven years.
CON: The 5-year-old really wants to see the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got an outstanding warrant in New York.
PRO: Statue of Liberty isn’t going anywhere.
CON: Neither is my mother, apparently.
PRO: The kids don’t know that.
CON: Paying their allowances in postage stamps and packs of candy cigarettes until further notice.
PRO: The 3-year-old brags to everyone about her daddy’s picture being up on the wall.
CON: It’s up on the wall at the post office.
PRO: stamps.com
CON: That site can chupa mi verga.
PRO: Speak Spanish, sort of.
CON: Speak Spanish, sort of.
PRO: No walking Spanish down the hall, no getting shanked out in the yard.
CON: Hard to not say “You think THAT’s punishment? At least you’re not eating cockroaches IN THE DARK!” every time I put the kids in time out.
PRO: Always like breaking out the “Either you do the time or the time does you” gem.
CON: Always some smartass who responds with “Whatever, jailbird.”
PRO: Soda-can-filled tube sock.
CON: YouTube isn’t going anywhere, apparently.
Illustration by Sarah Letteney
