PRO/CON: Caving to PTO Bake Sale Pressure

PRO: Finally doing something for my kids’ school.

CON: Don’t want to do anything for my kids’ school.

PRO: Was already going to Hell anyway.

CON: Don’t love the heat.

PRO: Will see a lot of familiar faces.

CON: Will remind me of the oven I’m currently avoiding.

PRO: Could always just go buy something at the market and rough it up a little.

CON: They said it had to be homemade. And they’re expert level at sniffing out homemade-baked-goods fraud.

PRO: I’m expert level at choosing easiest thing to bake.

CON: I’m non-expert level at following basic package instructions that a monkey with an apron could master.

PRO: Was always curious what monkeys were better at than me. Now I know.

CON: No monkeys available in neighborhood to outsource this to.

PRO: Thinking about monkeys.

CON: …

PRO: Skim the crappiest brownies for myself.

CON: They’re really crappy.

PRO: They’re still brownies.

CON: Self-loathing.

PRO: Hero to my kids when they smell fresh-baked brownies as they walk in the door after school.

CON: I already brought the brownies to school.

PRO: Except the ones I didn’t.

CON: And those brownies are long gone, too, suckas.

PRO: “But they benefit your school.”

CON: *whispers to self* “And my desire to eat brownies in secret.”

PRO: Important life lesson about how harsh the world can be.

CON: Especially the part of the world that’s our kitchen.

PRO: I’m not here to make friends.

CON: So far succeeding.

PRO: I came here to do two things—make shitty brownies and get the PTO off my back.

CON: I’m all out of brownies.

PRO: PTO is off my back.

CON: For about 3 minutes until they realize that partial batch of brownies is going to bring in maybe 75 cents max.

PRO: Could respond to all future PTO requests with “UNSUBSCRIBE.”

CON: They’ll know it’s me.

PRO: Willing to jump on that grenade.

CON: Talk of weapons frowned upon at school.

PRO: It’s a figure of speech.

CON: No shit, Sherlock.

PRO: Fighting with myself in list form still better than making something for the bake sale.

CON: You don’t get secret brownies from fighting with yourself in list form.

PRO: But you don’t have to bake anything either.

CON: Homeschool.

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