PRO: He didn’t really throw up ON his plate, just in front of it. Mostly on his shirt. Well, and on his hand.
CON: I think the people at the table next to us saw him do it.
PRO: But maybe they didn’t.
CON: Or maybe they’re just politely averting their gaze.
PRO: Either way.
CON: Crap, now someone really is looking. Do they know that I’m wiping up puke or do they just think it’s apple juice?
PRO: Again, just for the record: the barf didn’t actually touch the food.
CON: Technically there’s some on the edge of the plate.
PRO: Wiping the plate off with this nice cloth napkin.
CON: Nice cloth napkin now has barf on it.
PRO: Putting nice cloth napkin in my purse to take home.
CON: I’m now a thief.
PRO: Let’s put the focus back where it belongs. On Pukey over here. He seems fine!
CON: If by “fine,” you mean “eating food near vomit.”
PRO: I’ll eat a bite of the chicken tenders, just in case people are looking—it will assure them that everything’s totally cool.
CON: I just ate food that was near puke.
PRO: I haven’t puked just thinking about that.
CON: The night is young.
PRO: All right, he’s smiling and eating more French fries. Relax!
CON: Everything he’s eating is deep fried. Rubber sheet. On bed. The goddamn minute we get home.
PRO: It’s fine, everything’s fine, he’ll be fine. Let’s just hope I won’t have to call that cute waiter over to clean up another “liquid spill.”
CON: I miss that waiter.
PRO: Now that I think about it, my kid most likely puked from eating so many gummy bears; he’s definitely not sick.
CON: Should I be in charge of feeding a child?
PRO: He’s pretty much finished his dinner anyway, and he’s SMILING. This never happened.
CON: We have witnesses. Oh, it happened.
PRO: He didn’t puke ON the food. Oh my God, everyone. He puked IN FRONT OF the food! In front!
CON: *the silence of the shamed*
PRO: HE’S FINE. I think?
CON: *can no longer look at self in mirror*
PRO: This is a really, really nice napkin! I’m washing it as soon as we get home.
Illustration by Sarah Letteney