The PTO is excited to announce a last minute end-of-the-year fundraiser:
The 2nd Annual Mom Fight Club!
We decided to wedge this event into the school calendar to capitalize on the pent-up aggression and grudges we’ve seen building over the last nine months, not to mention the collective parental rage over end-of-year projects, gifts, parties, field trips, and don’t forget Goddamn Spirit Week!
First, a BIG thanks to everyone who signed up for the fundraising committee. Our PTO is able to thrive thanks to a parent community that’s not only overly involved, but extremely competitive and passive-aggressive. We’re looking forward to hosting a big crowd of people who genuinely enjoy watching two moms kick the living shit out of each other!
We already have some great local sponsors for the event. In fact, one man was inspired to get on board after witnessing two moms in the grocery store debate chickpea and kale curry recipes then argue over whose kid liked it more. He went on to say,
“Not only did their conversation make me want to knock their heads together, it was so satisfying when I later spied the dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets in Jennifer’s cart and saw Melissa slide her kids a couple of Slim Jims to keep them from whining. It was thoroughly enjoyable to see how competitive they were while also being totally full of shit.”
It’s this sort of public display of passive-aggressive behavior that should result in a pretty phenomenal Mom Fight Club match.
Although we originally went with the traditional Fight Club rules, we’ve had to adjust a few of them based on how things went last year.
4th RULE: Only two moms to a fight.
We can’t emphasize this one enough. Last year’s surprise carpool alliance attack, while very effective, was also clearly unsportsmanlike.
6th RULE: No shirt, no shoes, no weapons.
Update: Please keep your shirt on.
Ladies, we’ve all breastfed for way too long for a tops-off fight to be anything other than a page ripped right out of National Geographic.
7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to.
Update: We will be implementing a 20-minute time limit this year. While we’d obviously all love to see these matches go on forever, most of us need to get home to do our kids’ homework and/or projects for them.
HOW TO ENTER:
: $50 entry fee
Volunteer matches will be assigned based on underlying animosity and entertainment value. Example: even though the two of you may have organized the best pasta social ever, everyone knows you’ve been harboring resentment towards Sabrina since she gave you that look two years ago when you sent your child to school with Lunchables. The Instagram photos of you two cheersing margaritas on Cinco de Mayo is a testament to the amazing job you’ve both done at letting that inner bitterness simmer. We believe this will result in impressive combat.
- Nominated to fight: $100
(New this year!)
On the night of the event, we will be taking nominations from the floor. For $100, attendees may nominate two moms to fight against each other. The nominees have the choice to accept the fight or buy their way out. It’s a fundraiser after all, ladies!
For example: you know those two who’ve been exchanging passive-aggressive reply-alls on the all-class email chain so you get 30 emails at work about how the class party sign-up for juice should really be two gallons of apple cider instead of 24 juice boxes because of the sugar and it’s wasteful but whatever you think is best! thanks!!!!!!!!!!!! Seems like paying $100 to watch those two get real is the bargain of a lifetime now doesn’t it?
Please email Karen to sign up early! We anticipate Fight Club will go four to five rounds and final brackets will be determined the night of the event. Winners will receive their choice of a school T-shirt, a travel coffee mug, or a ride to Urgent Care!
Instead of a bake sale, this year the Rotary Club will be operating a cash bar and the track team will be selling Jell-O shots to raise money for their trip to regionals. So don’t forget to bring plenty of cash!
Illustration by Sarah Letteney