- Scatterbrain
- Arbitrary Justice
- I Might Be Wrong
- Slammed Doors
- 2 + 2 = 5
- Go to Sleep
- I Can’t
- Head in Hands
- Down Is the New Up
- Existential Implosion
- Sulk
- Stop Whispering
- Dirty Laundry Infinity
- Shouting Out of Proportion
- Let Down
- I Told You a Thousand Times
- You and Whose Army?
- Man Down
- Slips of Permission
- Fog
- Life in a Glass House
- Who’s the Adult?
- Worrywort
- You Never Wash Up After Yourself
- Red Wine Massacre
- 4 Minute Warning
- Crying in Public
- These Are My Twisted Words
- A Reminder
- I Never Said I Knew What I Was Doing
- House of Cards
- At a Loss
- I Am Citizen Insane
- Accidental Successes
- Permanent Daylight
- What
Radiohead song: 1, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 17, 20, 21, 24, 26, 28, 29, 31, 35
Accurate description of my parenting: 2, 4, 8, 10, 13, 14, 16, 18, 19, 22, 25, 27, 30, 32, 34, 36
Both: 3, 5, 15, 23, 33
[This piece originally appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.]

Illustration by Byron O'Neill