RECALL ALERT: All Things Previously Thought Safe For Babies, Actually Lethal

Thank you for visiting the website of the American Center for Pediatric Control and Prevention Academy. The ACPCPA is a panel of experts dedicated to keeping your children safe by causing you to ponder their mortality constantly.

2016 Infant Safety Updates
This year’s recommendations vary greatly from the ones released in 2015. After recent studies, it is apparent that parents following last year’s recommendations have likely been endangering the health and safety of their children this whole time. Please be sure to refer to our website daily for up-to-date corrections and tips on how to keep your child alive.

All ACPCPA-developed and -approved products mentioned in this recall alert can be purchased from our mail-order catalog, If You Really Loved Your Baby.

Travel Recommendations
Babies should be tightly harnessed into a car seat whenever traveling. While a rear-facing seat was previously thought to be the safest position for a baby, newer studies suggest the actual safest place for an infant car seat is affixed to the ceiling of the car and facing due west. New safety-grade car seats are designed to attach to your vehicle’s ceiling and are oriented by a swiveling bolt compass, keeping your baby in a constant state of motion while allowing them to rotate westward as you drive. Statistically, this is now believed to be the safest direction a baby can face in a moving car. Check with your local mechanic about having your vehicle outfitted for a car seat that meets the current travel safety requirements. You can obtain a west-biased ceiling-mounted car seat from our catalog. Fabric patterns include: Laser Sundae, Safari Stampede, Lost at Sea, and Mustache.

Recent studies also now indicate that everyday clothes pose a risk to infants traveling in a car seat. Experts have recently patented what is believed to be the safest garment for a baby to wear in a car seat: a space-grade neoprene suit with a Lycra hood and tapered face vents. The new Infant Car-Seat Suit is available in our catalog.

The suit is not washable and currently comes in five colors: Lead, Spelt, Kale, Yeti, and new Dwindling Glacier.

Sleep Recommendations
Experts are now recommending that infants be put to sleep on their back on a firm concrete surface wearing nothing more than a diaper, as fabric has been found to be dangerous to sleeping infants. Make sure that your baby’s sleeping environment is free of stuffed animals, pillows, bumpers, blankets, sheets, warmth, breasts, hair, or human contact of any kind. Never relax while your baby is sleeping. Keep the baby’s sleep area cool, as the baby’s shivering will prevent it from falling into too deep of a sleep.

While formerly thought to be safe, all cribs are now considered to be high risk. Experts highly recommend a concrete slumber chamber, which can be ordered from our catalog. Infant Sleep Chamber comes in two colors: Gray and Dark Gray. International shipping rates apply. Please follow installation guidelines exactly and allow concrete 72 hours to set before use. Never leave infant unattended while sleeping. Please remain awake at all times while chamber is in use.

Technology
While studies have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that handheld touchscreen devices are perfectly safe for adults (they totally are; they are perfectly safe; there is not a shred of evidence that would point to any other conclusion), infants should be prevented from the following: endorsing your old roommate for Photoshop on LinkedIn, uploading drag-race videos to YouTube, tweeting snarky 140-character messages to @andersoncooper, or setting up a Facebook business page for your cousin’s dog-washing business. They also should abstain from Instagramming or Vining their lunch, bowel movements, exercise routines, or coffee-foam art. Although these things are crucially relevant to the social health of adults, we now know they cause abnormal brain clouds and possible lifelong self-indulgence in children under two.

Instead of keeping screens turned off in baby’s presence (which experts have determined is impossible), a new and easy solution has been invented in the form of an Infant Blinding Visor with Polaroid lens, which shields baby’s eyes while you use your phone, TV, Kindle, tablet, or electronic pad. This new safety accessory protects baby from the harmful rays and vapid images coming from your device, while still allowing your baby to see people and other objects in its environment. You can purchase an Infant Blinding Visor from our catalog. Be sure to follow all instructions, as misuse can cause actual blindness.

Disposal
Recalled baby products must be rendered unusable by being melted with acid or backed over with your car (please remove baby from product first). They can then be left at the nearest Community Drop-Off Location. If you are unable to comply with this Recall Alert, please fill out Relinquishment Form 10-33c and check the “Surrender” box. Your child will then be removed from your care sometime in the next 72 hours.

Together, you and the ACPCPA can keep kids happy, healthy, and safe!

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