Dora: I’M INVITED TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY. WILL YOU HELP ME FIND IT?
Mickey: (chortling) I can’t wait to go to Sara’s fourth birthday party. Hot dog! Now, I just need a mouse-ka-tool to get me there. Should I use the bicycle, the giant bubble, or the purple sunglasses?
Dora: ACCORDING TO THE MAP, I NEED TO CROSS BELLBROOK TURNPIKE, HIKE THROUGH THE ABANDONED FOODMART PARKING LOT, AND SWIM ACROSS THE EAST RIVER TO GET TO GYMBOREE.
Mickey: That’s right! The giant bubble will help me get to the birthday party. Hot dog!
Caillou: I’m scared about going to this birthday party.
Caillou’s Father: You’ve been to ten birthday parties in the past month alone. You’ll be fine. Just be yourself.
Caillou: Yes, if I just “be myself,” everyone will like me.
Narrator: Daddy Pig and Peppa approach Sara’s birthday party.
Peppa: I just love birthday parties! I can’t wait to get all those presents.
Daddy Pig: Heh, heh, now Peppa, it isn’t your birthday party. Sara will be getting all the presents.
Peppa: That’s not fair!
Dora: BELLBROOK TURNPIKE. FOODMART PARKING LOT. EAST RIVER.
– – – –
Narrator: Everyone sits around the table for pizza and juice.
Caillou: Pizza! I like pizza. Pizza is good. (pause) Can someone help me eat it?
Narrator: Caillou’s father chews the pizza and regurgitates it into Caillou’s mouth.
Caillou’s Father: Good job, Caillou!
Narrator: Peppa loves pizza. Everyone loves pizza.
Peppa: Daddy? Is my piece of pizza bigger than all the others?
Daddy Pig: Heh heh, now Peppa, it’s not the size that counts.
Caillou: Owweeee! This juice is too cold! My brain hurts!
Dora: HOW MANY CUPS OF JUICE DO I HAVE? LET’S COUNT TOGETHER: UNO…DOS…TRES…QUATRO…CINCO CUPS OF JUICE.
– – – –
Narrator: Sara’s mother brings out the birthday cake.
Mickey: Let’s use a mouse-ka-tool to eat my cake. Should I use the hairdryer, the fork, or the baby elephant in a bikini?
Peppa: Daddy, there’s someone in the loo.
Daddy Pig: Have you tried knocking?
Peppa: I have, but she says she really needs to go.
Narrator: Nina needs to go. Everyone needs to go.
Daddy Pig: Oh, heh heh. I guess you’ll have to be patient, Peppa.
Peppa: Being patient is boring.
Mickey: That’s right! A baby elephant in a bikini will help me eat my cake.
– – – –
Caillou: Here’s your birthday present, Sara. It’s a ball. I want to play with it.
Caillou’s Father: Good job sharing her birthday present with her, Caillou.
Caillou: It’s MINE! I want it! Give it back to me!
Caillou’s Father: (handing the present back to him) I’m so proud of you, Caillou.
Peppa: My present is the best present ever!
Narrator: Peppa is proud of her present of rubber boots.
Peppa: It’s for jumping up and down in muddy puddles. (begins jumping up and down)
Gymboree Employee: Stop it! Get off the cake!
Dora: TE GUSTA MY REGALO? IT’S UNA FLOR FROM MY ABUELA.
Caillou: A flower? I love flowers! Can I have it? Can I? Can I?
Dora: IT’S FOR SARA.
Caillou: Daddy, the yelling girl won’t give me her flower.
Caillou’s Father: Caillou, I’m sure if you ask her nicely, she will give you the flower.
Dora: THE FLOWER IS FOR SARA. (Caillou grabs for the flower) NO SWIPING!
– – – –
Narrator: Sara’s father is handing out the goody bags. Caillou has already taken his.
Caillou: (emptying the contents on the floor) A blue pencil? But my favorite color is green!
Caillou’s Father: You’re right, Caillou. Green is a better color than blue.
Dora: MY PENCIL ES VERDE.
Caillou: Hey! She got a green pencil. I want it!
Peppa: Now I want the green pencil, too.
Narrator: Oh dear. Everyone is fighting over the green pencil.
Caillou, Peppa, and Dora: (crashing through the party room window) MINE!!!!
Mickey: Oh, Toodles! Get me out of here!
Dora: (stabbing Caillou in the arm with the pencil) HIJO DE PUTA!
Caillou’s Father: See, Caillou? I told you she’d give you the pencil.
Narrator: Caillou’s father brings over a doctor to look at him.
Doc McStuffins: Let’s see…your diagnosis is an acute case of douche-itis. The only way to get better is to let everyone at the party punch you in the face.
– – – –
Narrator: While Caillou is “getting better,” Sara’s father pays Gymboree an extra $600 to cover all damages.
Peppa: This was the best birthday party ever. Because I was here! (falls backwards on the floor, laughing)
Gymboree Employee: Please don’t do that where I’m trying to vacuum.
Dora: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! HOORAY!
Caillou: Daddy, will my teeth grow back?
Mickey: Good job, everyone. We made it through the birthday party. Now I’m splitting the scene, I’m full of beans. See you real soon!
– – – –
Sara: Mommy, Daddy, maybe next year for my birthday, we can all stay home and sit quietly in our rooms until the day is over.
Illustration by Kevin Alvir