Ditch your wardrobe in favor of an Amish-style dress and bonnet. Announce, “We’re in the family way!”
Scrunch up your little face and tell him you’re “harboring a tiny-toed fugitive.”
Bake a bun in the oven and lead him to the kitchen to see it. If you’ve burned it beyond all recognition, don’t panic—this probably isn’t symbolic of anything!
Involve a family pet in the fun! Cats love diapers! Dogs love sleep sacks and scratch mittens! They definitely will not lose their goddamn minds trying to get any of that off, they certainly will not!
Throw his guitars and drums out with the garbage because those dreams are all done now!
Tell him Captain Floppy and the Sad-Sack Twins finally achieved something. No, another something!
Have “Better write that book in the next 7 months!” written across a cake that’s in the shape of a sad middle-age man!
Call him and scream, “We won Powerball!” and just as he’s hooting with joy and about to quit his job add, “Baby-Powerball! We won Baby-Powerball!”
Tell him you have a sudden craving for him to give up his entire life and all of his friends!
Tell him you could kind of feel your egg tingling and “just knew.” Refuse to take a pregnancy test to prove it!
Tell him that your awful parents are going to be over a lot more now. Allow your eyes to fill with tears and stare silently at him until he can figure out why. Don’t smile!
Use an egg and some mayonnaise for a graphic (and edible!) recreation of the conception!
Be your normal unpleasant, smug self! Allow your solipsism to light the world!
Burst into the boardroom where he’s giving a critically important presentation, your cheeks stained with tears. Start screaming, “You’ve done it to me again you fucker! I hate this life! I hate everything!” Then start laughing a manic laugh. This is funny!
Insert a voice recorder with the taped message, “Can’t wait to meet you, Daddy!” into your vagina. Press play after initiating intercourse but just before penetration!
Tell him that fertilization has been successful, then bite off his head!
Illustration by Sarah Letteney