And God spake all these words, saying,
- I am the Lord thy Dad, my word is final and forever perfect. Full stop.
- Thou shalt not hit snooze a third time. Thou art a grown-ass man, and the bell tolls for thee to get thyself a me-damn job.
- Thou shalt use only the Netflix account I set up for thee, for I am a vengeful God who walketh on the wings of the wind and quickeneth the dead, and thy mumblecore movies are wussifying my Top Picks.
- And Jesus Christ, if thou watch Garden State one more time, I shall send thee back into the desert until thou cry uncle and shimmy for Satan.
- Anything in the icebox labeled YAHWEH shall be off limits; the same goes for anything labeled NO WAY.
- Keep thy dirty feet off my sofa, and stop saying thou’ll just build a new one if (when) this one gets ruined. Thou can call thyself a carpenter all day long, but I have seen what thou hast built and believe me, thou art no carpenter. Remember, this is the House of the Lord God Almighty Maker of Heaven and Earth, not some me-forsaken Swiss Family Treehouse.
- I shall forgive thee thy trespasses as soon as thou stop trespassing. What part about GOD’S ROOM! KEEP OUT!! dost thou not understand?
- Thou shalt never ever borrow my car, so for the love of me, stop asking. I spent a fortune on thy water-walking lessons, so get thine ass to the shore and take a shortcut across the lake.
- Thou shalt cut thy hair every other sabbath; that look may work for John the Baptist and his locust-eating loonies, but this is Heaven, and no Son of God of mine is going to walk around my streets of gold looking like the hippie messiah of some toga-burning death cult.
- Remember: I am the reason thou art even alive (again), so put a little gratitude in thine attitude. I mean, Jesus Christ—thou can fly! Turn water into wine! What more dost thou want? Behold Lazarus: he hasn’t stopped thanking me since he got here, for he knows how lucky he is. Oh, why can’t thou be more like Lazarus?
Illustration by Andrew Lakata