Things I’ve Yelled at My Son While Biking Him to School

Shortly after his third birthday, my son started conversing primarily in argument form. Our daily bike rides to school are a prime battleground because we’re trapped together in close proximity, his face just nine inches shy of my backside. Sometimes I wear headphones to drown him out. Most of the time we just yell at each other for fifteen minutes.

  • STOP HITTING MY BACK, THIS BIKE IS A NO TOUCH ZONE TODAY I’M SERIOUS
  • THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY, I TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THE WAY?
  • THAT IS NOT A FORKLIFT CRANE, I THINK I KNOW WHAT A FORKLIFT CRANE LOOKS LIKE
  • THAT IS NOT MY MUSIC, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT CAR’S STEREO
  • NO SIR THIS BIKE IS NOT DIRTY, I KEEP IT VERY CLEAN
  • THAT GARBAGE TRUCK IS ABSOLUTELY NOT BOTHERING YOU, HE IS DOING HIS JOB
  • YOU’RE GOING TO JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE BUMPS DUDE
  • I AM ALREADY USING MY MUSCLES, THAT’S HOW WE MOVE
  • IT IS NOT SATURDAY, I HAVE A CALENDAR AND KNOW FOR A FACT IT’S MONDAY
  • IT’S MY WISH AND I CAN USE IT ON WHATEVER I WANT, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF WISHES
  • THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A POOP STORE, STOP YELLING THAT
  • I LOVE YOU TOO, STOP HITTING ME

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