As a potential baby oven, it’s your responsibility to either keep yourself primed for impregnation or maintain a lockdown on the dumpster fire you call your uterus.
For Womb Bearers
The CDC is now recommending that all choche holders completely refrain from consuming alcohol, unless they’ve been temporarily sterilized with doctor prescribed medication. This is because of the tendency of egg droppers to “fall pregnant” under the influence of alcohol, due to further impairment of their already hormonal and inferior judgment.
This medication can be prescribed at any ob/gyn office, or at a Planned Parenthood—that is, if you can find one that hasn’t been shut down.
If not sterilized, the only surefire way to avoid accidental impregnation is to remain completely sober. If your mother is visiting and drinking becomes necessary, only do so in a locked room with a vibrator to minimize the temptation to invite over a divine sperm giver.
If you possess a baby cannon and happen to think you may have been impregnated on the Xerox machine at the office holiday party you filthy little whore, please contact the CDC immediately so that we can announce your illegitimate pregnancy on Facebook with a three-dimensional sonogram so unsettling it will convince your remaining childless friends to tie their tubes with their own hands.
As always, impregnated baby ovens should also refrain from the following: ocean food, French food, bungee jumping, space travel, cats (the animal), CATS (the musical), polyester, Preparation H, hats, fanny packs, improv comedy, open flame, closed flame, radiant heat, hot tubs, open water, Amsterdam, mercury, nickel, boron, “doctors,” Chipotle, and people with the following conditions: ebola, lice, Tourette’s, leprosy, foot-in-mouth-disease, and freckles.
For The Betesticled
Similarly, the CDC would like to remind deep-V divers to be sure that sperm receptacles are properly sterilized before any potential impregnation. If a baby oven has been consuming alcohol, do not allow your precious baby seed to permeate the oven’s innermost chamber. Because of science, we now speculate that a drunken shame cave is an inhospitable place to begin the magical journey of life.
In addition, due to a recent viral outbreak, the CDC would like to remind trouser ferrets to refrain from entering Satan’s slot machine if either partner was recently bitten by a mosquito in the states of Florida or Texas. Although the CDC regularly advises against anyone at all breeding in these states, it’s important to use extra caution especially now.
The CDC thanks you for taking these recommendations as seriously as you take defending your imagined intolerance to gluten.
Illustration by Scott Bruns