Updated Definitions of Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and it resulting in a baby.

Insanity is feeding the same thing over and over again and it growing into a toddler.

Insanity is cells dividing over and over again until that toddler becomes a child who barely makes the cut-off date for kindergarten registration.

Insanity is filling out the same forms over and over again and somehow kindergarten registration still isn’t complete I guess?

Insanity is realizing over and over again you will be filling out the same forms only slightly reformatted and on different colored paper until your child is eligible to vote.

Insanity is wondering over and over again why this data isn’t centralized somewhere given your own personal information is seemingly accessible from the four corners of the earth and why hasn’t some overachieving Silicon Valley parent app-ified this shit by now.

Insanity is circling back over and over again to that whole “four corners of the Earth” thing and wondering if there are Box Earth Societies we don’t know about.

Insanity is sending your kids back to school over and over again and genuinely thinking—every single year, without a trace of irony—“Whew, I’m ready for things to calm down around here.”

Insanity is adding money over and over again to the online lunch money system but Your Account, Add Money, Your Balance, and Make a Payment don’t talk to each other so in front of all of her friends/enemies/frenemies your kid gets shout-told by the lunch lady, “TELL YOUR MOM YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE BALANCE.”

Insanity is having everything addressed over and over again to you, The Mom, as if we’re all just a bunch of chill female Copperhead snakes diggin’ that Asexual Reproduction Lyfe.

Insanity is stewing over and over again about the assumptions that are made about a mother’s time, regardless of what we may or may not have going on outside of raising children since no one will ever ask, “Hey, what do you have going on outside of raising children are you even available for any of this shit or what?”

Insanity is asking over and over again, “You know what happens when you assume?” and then realizing you can’t deliver the punch line in front of kids because of the swear-answer.

Insanity is asking over and over again “WWGD (What Would Gwyneth Do?)”

Insanity is realizing over and over again the answer is “SOLVE IT WITH MONEY AND INFLUENCE.”

Insanity is wishing over and over again that you, a peasant, could also solve things with money and influence BUT ALAS.

Insanity is wondering over and over again which parents are going to be the most oppressively righteous this year and/or use the word “alas” in conversation.

Insanity is guessing over and over again which dad will make all the moms cream their jeans because he actually made cupcakes for the class party with his own two dad hands as though he had promised the moon and then delivered it in precisely equal child-size portions, wrapped in gold foil and frosted with dreams.

Insanity is betting over and over again which mom will say something bitchy about you without realizing you’re standing right there and sometimes you have to wonder if life isn’t just one endless middle school except instead of an end-of-school-year dance you just get regular end-of-life death.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different adults.

Insanity is making the same mistake over and over again of reading articles about the regrets and realizations of the elderly because you just know you’re not gonna walk away from this feeling better about your choices and/or attitude.

Insanity is remembering over and over again that time you saw a cat magazine in the veterinarian’s office with the tagline “Live With Cattitude!” and now every time you hear “attitude” you think, “Wait, isn’t it ‘cattitude’?”

Insanity is going back to that one article over and over again—because you just can’t let this whole thing go—where 90-year-olds said the years when their children were young were the most stressful but also the happiest.

Insanity is realizing over and over again, as your kids get older and older and you return bit-by-bit to your autonomous adult life, that those goddamn articles are probably right.

Insanity is choosing over and over again to believe what you want to believe anyway, all overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

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