Easy-Listening Songs From the ’70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids

“I Keep Forgettin’ to Give You Your Antibiotics” by Michael McDonald

“I’d Really Love to See You Tonight, but My Sitter Was Grounded for ‘Inappropriate’ Posts on Her Instagram Account” by England Dan and John Ford Coley

“Nobody Does It Better Than Disney” by Carly Simon

“Hey Nineteen, Your Dad and I Are Going to Stop Paying Your College Tuition If You Say ‘Simone de Beauvoir’ in a Bad French Accent One More Time” by Steely Dan

“I Go Crazy When You Talk in a Robot Voice All Day” by Paul Davis

“You’ve Got a Friend I Won’t Let You Play With Anymore Because Last Time You Were at His House They Let You Watch The Shining and You Didn’t Sleep for a Week” by James Taylor

“I Am … I Said … and That’s the End of the Conversation, Period” by Neil Diamond

“The Cat’s in the Cradle … Check … the Dog’s in the Bathtub … Check … Now, Where Did I Put That Baby?” by Harry Chapin

[An earlier version of this piece appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.]

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