Erotic Valentine’s Day Gifts for Moms


Paid maternity leave that lasts longer than one billing cycle

Any form of paternity leave, actually taken

A leave for almost any reason, really

Good thick socks, the really dependable kind

Socks that stay on and never abandon their mates

You know, socks that really commit

What I’m saying is socks with some emotional intelligence

A solemn vow to always care deeply about socks

No one crying in your face about why the moon isn’t closer

You not crying in your own face about why the moon isn’t closer, because the moon being closer would actually be nice

Just, no one crying, please, just give me a minute

A hug

A hug without an agenda

A hug that doesn’t leave a residue

A hug with an agenda that definitely leaves a residue, but in a hotel far away with spotty cell service while your in-laws watch the kids for a fucking change

Five minutes of the cat walking on your back, with the bedroom door closed

Ten minutes alone with the toilet, please God

Fifteen minutes alone in a room, any room, would be fantastic

Chocolate that does not need to be shared

Ice cream that does not need to be shared

Whiskey that could theoretically be shared but won’t be

Banning of the word “we” in relation to a task everyone knows you singularly handle. Used in a sentence: “Did ‘we’ buy a birthday gift for my sister?”

Banning of any acquaintance who refers to you, in public, in a barely discernible yet undeniably derisive way as “sexy mama”

Banning of the word “likable” at least until the rise of the matriarchy is complete

Boob play

I said boob play. Yes, it can too be a gift if you’re good at it

Just to be real clear, when I say “boob play” I’m talking the non-meal variety. Well great, now I feel all weird about it

A “Get Out of PTO Requests” coupon good for all eternity

A “Get Out of Life” coupon good for leaving the house on a shit day but also why am I a person who needs coupons to navigate life now?

A “Get Out of Coupons” coupon that causes the shadow gift-giving industry to fold in on itself, imploding into a dark star

Someone else handling the request for help at school, unasked

Someone else making sure the whole family gets their flu shots, unasked

Someone else correctly sizing and buying snow boots for your children, unasked

Literally anything getting done without asking for it to get done would be fucking hot

Except the hug with residue

That is absolutely an “ask in advance” type of situation

“In advance” is an illusion

Speaking of illusions, how about the illusion of freedom?

Back to the silence thing

Also: A pedicure

A vibrator

A hotel key

A one-person-sized bed

Blackout drapes

See you February 15th

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