PRO/CON: Raising Kids as a Pro Con

PRO: The 3-year-old can hide the car keys all she wants, I can hotwire our minivan in under a minute.

CON: Never have an excuse to not drive them to soccer.

PRO: No arguments from the opposing team’s dads—not after that one time.

CON: Half a million views on YouTube of me charging across the field swinging a soda-can-filled tube sock over my head.

PRO: Half a million views on YouTube.

CON: Old cellmate finds me, shows up drunk and tells the kids how their old man was the biggest bitch on the tier.

PRO: Endless rainy day MacGyver-type shit like heating up cups of cocoa with just a lamp cord and a set of fingernail clippers.

CON: Running out of forearm for the kids to practice using the tattoo gun we made out of a Walkman and ballpoint pen.

PRO: No actual guns allowed in the house = no accidental shootings.

CON: The grow room in the attic isn’t gonna defend itself.

PRO: Weed.

CON: Not allowed to leave the country.

PRO: College tuitions as good as paid for with all the money saved by not traveling abroad.

CON: Put myself through grad school a decade ago by pulling B&Es all over the state.

PRO: Swore on my mother’s grave that my kids wouldn’t have to go through that.

CON: My mother’s not dead yet. She lives in New York.

PRO: The kids don’t know that.

CON: Patrol cars cruise by our house every half hour on the half hour.

PRO: Safest house in town—except maybe the mayor’s.

CON: Not allowed to vote.

PRO: Can’t be blamed for who’s in office.

CON: Blamed for everything else.

PRO: Blame me all you want, but the statute of limitations for B&Es in this state is seven years.

CON: The 5-year-old really wants to see the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got an outstanding warrant in New York.

PRO: Statue of Liberty isn’t going anywhere.

CON: Neither is my mother, apparently.

PRO: The kids don’t know that.

CON: Paying their allowances in postage stamps and packs of candy cigarettes until further notice.

PRO: The 3-year-old brags to everyone about her daddy’s picture being up on the wall.

CON: It’s up on the wall at the post office.


CON: That site can chupa mi verga.

PRO: Speak Spanish, sort of.

CON: Speak Spanish, sort of.

PRO: No walking Spanish down the hall, no getting shanked out in the yard.

CON: Hard to not say “You think THAT’s punishment? At least you’re not eating cockroaches IN THE DARK!” every time I put the kids in time out.

PRO: Always like breaking out the “Either you do the time or the time does you” gem.

CON: Always some smartass who responds with “Whatever, jailbird.”

PRO: Soda-can-filled tube sock.

CON: YouTube isn’t going anywhere, apparently.

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