Summer Movie Sequels Starring My Kids

Lost Goggles 3. For the third year in a row, a family searches for recently purchased goggles five minutes before a swimming lesson starts, as the clock ticks and members turn on each other in irrational bursts of rage. Rated PG for language, nudity.

Hose Wars: This is My Yard. A neighborhood playdate turns ugly when participants split into factions and attack each other with a Splash Blaster. No one is spared: not a passing dogwalker, the child who foolishly wore his church clothes, or Phoebe’s mom, who is seven months pregnant and not amused.

Harry Potter and the Curse of Minecraft. Now that Hogwarts has let out for summer, will Harry ever get off the computer and make contact with the natural elements of sun and air? Or will he become a pale, snakelike wraith who hisses at anyone who dares approach him in his foul cave? That is what happened to Lord Voldemort, and the prospect tempts Harry greatly.

Daddy Daycare: You Wish. Now Get Dressed! In this sequel, Daddy daycare is a euphemism for actual daycare, since Daddy has to work all summer, which he secretly prefers, and Mommy did not have the foresight to get an academic job, so she is also busy, and Nana lives a thousand miles away with her dogs. Now get dressed!

Sports Movie 2: Suckers in the Outfield. A bunch of kids play sports because their parents made them, or maybe they like it? It’s so hot outside. How can they do it? Ugh, sports. Their whole families are out there for, like, hours. I’m glad we’re not like that. Rated G for genetically disinclined to engage in physical activity.

Sexual Predator: Jingle of Terror. In this sequel to Sexual Predator: Web Buddy, a man sells ice cream sandwiches and Push Pops out of a special truck. Its eerie music fills the streets and children come running, hands outstretched. There’s nothing weird about that, right? It’s a perfectly normal job. Say thank you for the Otter Pop, Lucas! But don’t tell him your name—no need to get chummy.

Bedtime: Say Wha? No one in Summerville believes it’s bedtime—because it’s still light out, and there’s no school tomorrow, and the swimming pool is open, and the adults are sitting around in lawn chairs drinking beer, and no one is tired, and someone is thirsty, and another person is hungry because he didn’t eat dinner, and somebody is mad at her brother because, well, it’s a long story, and it seems like a good idea to climb the—what? It’s bedtime? But that’s impossible! Coming in fall 2017: Time to Get Up: Say Wha?

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