Top Complaints from the Birdwell Island Home Owners’ Association Regarding the Big Red Dog Residing at 18 Morning Glory Lane

  1. If my hedge can’t be over 7 feet 8 inches, then the Howards can’t have a dog taller than 20 feet.
  2. Our covenant stipulates that color schemes on display must be counterbalanced by neutral hues. When that dog is standing there, tongue hanging out, all I see is red. I refer you to section 9h regarding that color. Red is only permitted on front-facing property up to ten days before Valentine’s Day, Fourth of July, or Christmas. You may recall the Vulgar Valentine’s of 2006, when the Fitzgeralds, who have since moved, kept a “decorative” red heart with its redundant “I Heart You” message on their front door the entire month of February, a travesty I’m sure no one wants to see repeated.
  3. According to our CC&Rs, animal waste must be removed and disposed of within 70 seconds of the time of evacuation. The other day I recorded the Howard child, Emily Elizabeth, taking two hours and twenty-six minutes to clean up that dog’s mess.
  4. The Howards’ doghouse is within 3 feet of the sidewalk. This is against the bylaws, which require all structures on a property be set back at least 10 feet from the curb. It’s also bigger than their main house and if we don’t have a bylaw regarding that, we ought to. Also, the doghouse is painted an unapproved shade of gray.
  5. He blocks the sunlight on my garden. I enclose last week’s edition of the HOA newsletter, put out weekly by yours truly. See the main article, “Prized Peonies Perish: Private Property in Peril?” (Please subscribe!)
  6. I can no longer walk one of my dogs past the Howards’ residence after the monstrous creature that resides there charged toward him to “play.” Mr. Jingles has been suffering from seizures accompanied by incontinence ever since.
  7. Gigantism is an abomination. And lacks curb appeal.
  8. Our noise ordinance needs to be updated to include overly loud panting and similar wet-ish breathing. It’s obscene. Even if it reminds me of my dear departed Jim. I sometimes wake from a dead sleep expecting to find Jim lying beside me, watery breath in my face. Do you know how it feels to realize that a dream about your dead husband is instead about the neighbor’s dog?
  9. It’s the poop. Specifically, the large amounts of it.
  10. If that dog stays, I’m parking my boat back in my driveway and I don’t care what Mr. Peters says. My supposed eyesore of a pickup truck, too. And yes, Mr. Peters, I’m going to park “weird.”
  11. It’s unfair that I am fined for having three dogs when the Howard dog is equivalent to my three bichons frises times three more dogs. And the additional six dogs I’m picturing in my head are quite large. Yes, it’s true, mine are fond of barking, which is part of the continuing complaint lodged against me, and, I admit, that big dog is awful quiet for his size. So maybe he’s like two elephants plus one average-sized whale. They’d take up a lot of space but quietly, I imagine. Especially the whale after it stops breathing.
  12. Two words: Holy shit.

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